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Bad Jokes...

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  • Bad Jokes...

    "Why Rednecks make lousy Paramedics"

    A couple of rednecks are out in the Tennessee woods hunting when Bubba suddenly grabs his chest and falls to the ground
    He doesn't seem to be breathing; his eyes are rolled back in his head.
    Billy Bob whips out his cell phone and calls 911
    He gasps to the operator,
    "I think Bubba is dead! What should I do?"

    The operator, in a calm soothing voice says,
    "Just take it easy and follow my instructions. First, let's make sure he's dead."

    There is a silence.......and then a shot is heard.
    Billy Bob's voice comes back on the line,

    "Okay, now what???"

  • #2
    A guy walks into a bar and asks "Do you have 5 foot pinguins around here?". The bartender anwers "nope, not around here". "Damn", says the guy, "then I just drove over a nun".
    "En wat als tijd de helft van echtheid was, was alles dan dubbelsnel verbaal?"


    • #3
      Joke contest

      A local newspaper was having a contest for it's readers, seeing who could send in the best joke. One reader sent in 5 of his favorite plays on words. A few days later, he decided, just to be safe, to send in another 5.

      On the day the results were announced, he checked the paper to see if any of his jokes won. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did....
      "Ivanova is God!"


      • #4

        A man walks into an optician's store and asks the owner "is it true that you can actually swim with these new contacts?" The owner says "Yes you can nowadays", to which the customer replies "That's great because I couldn't swim until now".
        "En wat als tijd de helft van echtheid was, was alles dan dubbelsnel verbaal?"


        • #5
          Descartes walks into a bar. The barkeeper says "hello, Descartes, would you like a beer?" Descartes answers "I think not" and *poof* he vanishes.


          • #6
            Two men are sitting at a bar. The first guy pulls out a bottle and says to the other, "Rub this genie bottle and maybe you'll get your wish."

            The second guy does this, a genie pops out and asks for his greatest desire. "I want a million bucks!", says the second guy.

            Suddenly a duck jumps out from behind the bar, and another, and another......

            "What's this!", says the second guy.

            The first guy pulls out a tiny piano, a tiny stool and a small man and sets them on the bar. "Apparently this genie is hard of hearing; I asked for a 12 inch penis".
            Flying around the room under my own power.


            • #7
              Then there are Romulan Redneck Jokes:

              How can you tell a Romulan is a Redneck?
              There's a Warbird up on blocks in his side yard.

              How can you tell a Romulan is a Punk?
              His "Honor Blade" is a Shiv made from a stolen Spoon.


              • #8
                Thor the Norse god of thunder is walking around the halls of Asgard, and he's bored.
                So he strolls up to Odin's throne and says.
                "Hi dad, I'm bored out of my skull up here, I've noticed the mortals down on Earth seem to have a good time. I was wondering could you make me mortal for the night?"
                "No son," says Odin, Father of the gods "you are Thor, Norse god of thunder. It would not be fitting for you to go around as a mortal, doing, erm, mortal stuff."
                "Oh go on dad," asks Thor, Norse god of thunder.
                "Doh alright" Odin agrees. "but only for the one night mind."
                So with a wave of his mighty hand Thor is on the streets of Manchester, temporarily mortal and looking for some fun. So he knocks back 15 pints and the Slug and Lettuce, has a Kebab, throws up over a police dog. And finally desides to boogey the night away at a club.
                After a couple of hours of jumping up and down like a looney he spots the most beautiful girl he has ever seen. No Valkerie or Rhine maiden can hold a candle to her. She is heaven on earth.
                So he walks up to her and asks her name.
                "Hello darlin' what do they call you?" he asks.
                "Ello thexy." she screeches "my name's Thusan. Pleathed to meet you."
                She has the body of an angel but the voice of a herniated serpant.
                "Oh well"' he thinks to himself, "hopefully we won't have much time for talking tonight."

                So he goes back to hers, And they do everything. Upside down, back to front, hanging off the ceiling, swinging on the lights, leaping off the wardrobe. And this goes on all night.

                In the morning Susan is in the toilet and Thor's thinking to himself. "What do I do, what DO I do. I'm immortal, this can't last, I'm Thor, Norse god of thunder and she the checkout girl at Woolworths."
                He decides there's nothing else he can do, he''ll have to to tell her. So when she comes out of the loo he says,
                "Darling, Susan, I'm Thor."
                "You're Thor" she replies "I can't even pith"
                I have the wings for Bingo.


                • #9
                  Sorry... in advance!

                  A man is walking past a field and there he spots a three-legged pig prancing about on the grass. A little further along he notices the farmer gazing with admiration at the tripodal animal, so asks...
                  "Excuse me sir, is that your pig? Why does it only have three legs?" The farmer replies saying that 2 weeks before, there had been an accidental fire at his house, that the pig had heard the screams for help of his wife trapped in the kitchen, it had leapt through the garden window, pulled her to safety and called the fire brigade.
                  "So why does it have three legs?" he again asks. The farmer says that 1 week ago his child was swimming in the local pond when they had gotten overly tired and so into trouble and began calling for help. The pig had heard the calls and leapt over the hedge, into the pond, had dragged the child out of danger and up the bank, had given mouth-to-mouth, called the emergency services and kept the child warm until they arrived.
                  " OK, SO WHY DOES IT ONLY HAVE 3 LEGS?!!!" asks the man with no little irritation, to which the farmer repies...

                  Well, when you've got a pig like don't eat it all at once"
                  Yes, I still collect Laserdiscs!!
                  47" Phillips 1080p 46" Samsung 1080p Toshiba HD-30E (2 both Multi Region) PS3-80G 120G BR Multi-Region Maidstone MD-BR-2102 Sky-HD Freesat-HD Pioneer DVL-909 CLD-D925 CLD-2950 (AC3) CLD-D515 CLD S315 Yamaha ADP-1 Meridian 519 Pioneer 609 (DD/DTS) x 2 Speakers & subs Jammo M/S Pioneer Technics Sony Eltax Akai Aiwa


                  • #10
                    Hear about the WB "suit" that stepped into a bear trap?

                    He chewed off two arms and a leg and was still caught in the trap.
                    Last edited by ManInTheMiddle; 01-20-2005, 11:56 AM.
                    Block ads & improve surfing speed:
                    *Faster than Filterset-G !


                    • #11
                      Groan and Bear it.

                      1. Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married.
                      The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

                      2. Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
                      One says, "I've lost my electron."
                      The other says, "Are you sure?"
                      The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."

                      3. A jumper cable walks into a bar.
                      The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

                      4. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

                      5. A sandwich walks into a bar.
                      The bartender says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here.."

                      6. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

                      7. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says:
                      "A beer please, and one for the road."

                      8. Two cannibals are eating a clown.
                      One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

                      9. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'"
                      "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
                      "Is it common?"
                      Doc says, "It's not unusual."

                      10. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field.
                      Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
                      "I don't believe you," said Dolly.
                      "It's true, no bull!" exclaimed Daisy.

                      11. An invisible man marries an invisible woman.
                      The kids were nothing to look at either.

                      12. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
                      "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him."
                      So the vet picks up the dog, examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
                      Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down."
                      "What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
                      "No, because he's really heavy."

                      13. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

                      14. I went to the butcher's the other day and offered to bet him 50 bucks that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.
                      He said, "No, the steaks are too high."

                      15. I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

                      16. What do you call fish with no eyes? Fsh.

                      17. Two termites walk into a bar.
                      One asks, "Is the bar tender here?"

                      18. A nurse walks into a bank, preparing to endorse a check.
                      She reaches in her pocket, pulls out a rectal thermometer and tries to write with it.
                      She looks up at the teller, pauses for a moment, then realizing her mistake, she says, "Well that's great... just great... Some asshole's got my pen."

                      19. The bartender asked the sardine why his friend the whale is sobbing at the bar.
                      The sardine replied: "Am I my blubber's kipper?"

                      20. The battery sidled up to the potato chips at the bar and says:
                      "If you're Frito-Lay I'm Eveready."

                      Last edited by bakana; 01-20-2005, 05:23 PM.


                      • #12
                        On the first day God created the dog.

                        God said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past.
                        I will give you a life span of twenty years."

                        The dog said, "That's too long to be barking.
                        Give me ten years and I'll give you back the other ten."

                        So God agreed.

                        On the second day God created the monkey.

                        God said, "Entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I'll give you a twenty-year life span."

                        The monkey said, "How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't think so.
                        Dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too, okay?"

                        And God agreed.

                        On the third day God created the cow.

                        God said, "You must go to the field with the farmer all day long and
                        suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer.
                        I will give you a life span of sixty years."

                        The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years.
                        Let me have twenty and I'll give back the other forty."

                        And God agreed again.

                        On the fourth day God created man.

                        God said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. I'll give you twenty years."
                        Man said, "What? Only twenty years!
                        Tell you what, I'll take my twenty,
                        and the forty the cow gave back,
                        and the ten the monkey gave back,
                        and the ten the dog gave back.
                        That makes eighty, okay?"

                        "Okay," said God, "You've got a deal."

                        So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves.
                        For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family.
                        For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren.
                        And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

                        Life has now been explained to you.


                        • #13
                          Bakana; Steve Wright absolutely rules, wouldn't you say?

                          "Why are there no class-B batteries?"
                          "En wat als tijd de helft van echtheid was, was alles dan dubbelsnel verbaal?"


                          • #14
                            Don't know Steve Wright.
                            Going from context, is he the most recent originator of one or two of the jokes I posted?
                            I got them from E-Mail with no attribution.

                            Here's todays best E-Mail:

                            Dr. Calvin Rickson, a scientist from Texas A&M University has invented a bra that keeps women's breasts from jiggling and prevents the nipples from pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in.

                            After a news conference announcing the invention, a large group of men took Dr. Rickson outside and kicked the shit out of him.


                            • #15

                              Try this one :

                              "I've been doing a lot of abstract painting lately, extremely abstract. No brush, no paint, no canvas, I just think about it."
                              "En wat als tijd de helft van echtheid was, was alles dan dubbelsnel verbaal?"