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  • Phantom Menace Review

    If you've got time to kill...this review is pretty hilarious. It gets crass and out there at points, but his comments on film making and what's awfully wrong with this movie are pretty spot on. For those interested in star trek he also did reviews of every The Next Generation movie in a similar format. Enjoy haha.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FxKtZmQgxrI
    Flying Sparks Web Comic - A Hero and Villain In Love. Updates on Wednesdays
    True Believer Reviews: Comic Reviews and Interviews on Wednesdays and Fridays - Or Your Money Back!

  • #2
    I saw that.

    I recently watched the prequels again. Here is my review of TPM:


    Star Wars: Episode I The Phantom Menace(1999)

    I am a huge Star Wars fan. My parents took me to see Star Wars when I was less than two years old in 1977. I have probably seen A New Hope more than three hundred times (half of which were on HBO; I would plan my viewings by using the trusty HBO program guide). As kids we played SW, be it roleplaying with guns, in the arcade and on the Atari, and of course with the action figures. In the late 80s, I started playing the 6D RPG, which was very fun. The RPG churned out many books, which were the only Star Wars publications for years. When Timothy Zahn's trilogy came out, it reignited interest in SW for many people. Lucasfilm Magazine (later SW Insider) would report bits and pieces of news leading up to the prequels. At first, the word was that the first film would hit theaters in 1996. This was changed several times until we got 1999. But then something happened...the Special Editions came out. I watched them and thought, "Oh, shit. What the fuck was that?!" I, and many other fans, worried about these prequels that we had been hearing about for twenty years.

    I saw the trailer in a showing of Star Trek: Insurrection. It looked decent enough. Six months later, I was there on opening day. Surprisingly, it wasn't a packed house. The opening crawl started and the fans roared. I had never seen such a thing in a theater before. And then it all went straight to hell.

    The first few minutes were okay. A ship carrying two Jedi to settle a dispute. Okay. That'll work. But then the shot came. The shot that set the stage for things to come. As the ship landed in the Trade Federation ship's hangar, the droids turned to look. Those lame, cartoonish droids. We are soon introduced to who would turn out to be some of the film's only bright spots: Qui-Gon Jinn and Obi-Wan Kenobi, played by Liam Neeson and Ewan McGregor. I am serious. These two men did a fantastic job of navigating their way through the banthashit that this film threw at us. Qui-Gon may be my favorite prequel films character.

    The plot goes like this: In response to the taxation of trade routes to outlying star systems, the Trade Federation blockades and invades Naboo, home of an ambitious senator name Palpatine. The two Jedi sent to negotiate, Jinn and Kenobi, are double crossed but escape to Naboo and rescue to queen and her courtiers, escaping to a nearby planet called Tatooine. On Tatooine, they attempt to repair their damaged starship but do not have money to buy the parts. While there, a young slave boy that appears to have enormous Force potential is found. After using the boy's abilities to win the parts (not to mention his freedom\) the group heads to Coruscant, seat of galactic government, but not before being attacked by what appears to be a Sith lord. On Coruscant, the queen of Naboo goes before the Senate to plead her world's case. Manipulated by Palpatine, and seeing the almost tangible red tape and corruption, she calls for a vote of no confidence in the supreme chancellor. He is ousted and replaced by Palpatine. Meanwhile, the two Jedi take the boy before the Jedi High Council, who reject the proposition that he be trained as a Jedi; they feel he is too old and thus emotionally unstable. The council sends the Jedi back to Naboo, hoping to draw out the Sith lord. The queen formulates an ambitious plan to take back her planet: capture the viceroy of the occupying Trade Federation. Enacting the plan, the group raids the palace and succeeds in capturing him. Simultaneously, a second native species of Naboo uses their army to attack the Trade Federation forces. In space, the TF's droid control ship is destroyed, thus disabling their droid army. The two Jedi are confronted by the Sith lord and a duel ensues. The Sith strikes down Jinn and almost finishes Kenobi, but in his arrogance he is bisected by the young Jedi. With the Sith killed, the viceroy arrested and Naboo free, the new supreme chancellor and a cadre of Jedi show up. The Jedi Council begrudgingly permits Kenobi to train the young boy, as it was Jinn's dying wish. They are left pondering whether the dead Sith was the master or the apprentice.

    Now, that sounds pretty lame, but did you notice that Jar Jar wasn't mentioned? This film had a lot of problems, but that floppy-eared moron was a one of the biggest. What were you thinking, Lucas? "K, we'll find someone with a really annoying voice and come up with a ridiculous look for him and then we'll put this character in every single scene with the good guys. It'll be funny." I mean, really, it got old after about fifteen minutes. If that.

    And the acting...oh, the acting. Lucas can fuck up an actor like Houston Nutt can fuck up a quarterback. Pretty much everyone but McGregor, Neeson, and McDiarmid sucked. Just awful fucking performances.

    Some of the choices made in the script were pretty stupid. I understand the whole hologram thing with Sidious. But to introduce Darth Maul for the first time by hologram? Lame. Turning Jabba into a comedy act? Dumb. Straining credulity by having Anakin accidentally doing all that he did in the starfighter? Stupid. Ending the ground battle with a deus ex machina? Weak.

    The special effects were overdone. It almost felt like a Disney animated/live action hybrid. And can someone tell me why the masked cantina aliens from 1976 looked more realistic than the masked aliens in the Boonta Eve Race audience?

    That night, I walked out of the theater and I drove. I wound up at Red Lobster and entered the bar. I ordered a drink. And another. And another.

    TPM taught me a lesson: Don't set yourself up for disappointment.
    Recently, there was a reckoning. It occurred on November 4, 2014 across the United States. Voters, recognizing the failures of the current leadership and fearing their unchecked abuses of power, elected another party as the new majority. This is a first step toward preventing more damage and undoing some of the damage already done. Hopefully, this is as much as will be required.

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    • #3
      Originally posted by Dr Maturin View Post
      I saw that.

      I recently watched the prequels again. Here is my review of TPM:


      Star Wars: Episode I The Phantom Menace(1999)

      ... Now, that sounds pretty lame, but did you notice that Jar Jar wasn't mentioned? This film had a lot of problems, but that floppy-eared moron was a one of the biggest. ...

      That night, I walked out of the theater and I drove. I wound up at Red Lobster and entered the bar. I ordered a drink. And another. And another.

      TPM taught me a lesson: Don't set yourself up for disappointment.
      I saw TPM in the theater a few weeks after it opened. Shortly after seeing the film, I vividly remember a young female stock clerk in Wal-Mart extolling the virtues of TPM to my wife and me without us mentioning the film, and repeatedly stating that it was the best film she ever saw. If that incident was not so sad, it would be funny.

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      • #4
        But the important question is "Would you hit it?"

        Also, it's Walmart now. The dash is gone, man.
        Recently, there was a reckoning. It occurred on November 4, 2014 across the United States. Voters, recognizing the failures of the current leadership and fearing their unchecked abuses of power, elected another party as the new majority. This is a first step toward preventing more damage and undoing some of the damage already done. Hopefully, this is as much as will be required.

        Comment


        • #5
          Well, first off you have to remember that Lukas tried to bring more than just the fans of the original trilogy into the movie theatres. So what better way ist there to make it a kids movie with a floppy-eared moron and a little boy who does everything by "oops!" chance?
          Don't get me wrong. I was as outraged as the next guy when I first saw it, and I'll never forgive Lucas for what he did to the whole Star Wars feeling with it. I'm just saying...

          As for Qui-Gon being the best char: "Really Dean? I mean: REALLY Dean?" (Supernatural quote). Apart from the fact that Liam "The Mask" Neeson once again impressively demonstrated how one can manage to not show any facial reaction to ANY kind of situation and being completely motionless throughout the whole film I don't really consider the character -as is- overly interesting.
          IMO Darth Maul was the best char of Ep 1.
          Okay, he had very little screentime, and he was cut in half. But I think his portrayal of a bad ass sith warrior was quite exceptional.
          Last edited by I love Lyta; 02-08-2010, 03:06 AM.
          What's up Drakh?

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          • #6
            Confused Matthew also did some interesting prequel reviews:

            http://www.confusedmatthew.com/The-S...s-Prequels.php

            The 70 minute review guy and him touch on some good points, especially the lack of a main hero. It should be Kenobi, but it really isn't. Is it Anakin? No, he's just an asshole who complains all the time and kills innocent women and children.

            Can someone explain to me the trade blockade thing? Why is it happening, and why is Palpatine sometimes doing the exact opposite of what it seems he wants to be doing? It's like he's playing chess against himself, and taking turns, trying to outsmart himself.

            Why do the Jedi care about trade routes, taxes and blockades more than people being enslaved on Tatoiine? Anakin says "did you come here to free the slaves?", and they're like "no, of course not." But wait a second, there's a taxation dispute about trade routes on Naboo or sth, or actually I don't really know what the hell is going on over there but let's get right on that one instead of freeing slaves. We're the guardians of peace and justice after all.

            And what the hell are the Clone Wars about, exactly? Can someone explain this to me? Several thousand worlds secede from the Galactic Republic and form the Confederacy of Independent Systems... OK, so what? Why do they secede? What do they get by seceding, that they wouldnt get otherwise? What does this mean for the worlds that remain in the Republic, why do they care? Is this about taxes again?

            Just let them secede then. Why start shooting them in the face over it? They're not hurting you are they? I'm not hearing a reason for why people should suddenly start shooting each other.

            And the Jedi walk right into that Clone army trap, not realizing they're obviously being played. That's what the Jedi are in the prequels, idiots and assholes.

            Comment


            • #7
              Originally posted by vakie View Post
              Can someone explain to me the trade blockade thing? Why is it happening, and why is Palpatine sometimes doing the exact opposite of what it seems he wants to be doing? It's like he's playing chess against himself, and taking turns, trying to outsmart himself.
              The Republic wanted to take away money from the Trade Federation by taxation. The TF thought, let's blockade one of the trade routes so that the Republic would withdraw the tax.

              Palpatine knows that if he succeeds in showing that the Supreme Chancellor is incapable of handling the problem (as he already knows, the blockade will escalate into an invasion soon) a new one will be needed, but for that, a vote of no confidence would have to be put forward in the Senate, and guess who's going to do that? The Queen of Naboo of course, who has a big problem with a Senate that's doing nothing about the invasion (but Palpatine will of course!).

              Why do the Jedi care about trade routes, taxes and blockades more than people being enslaved on Tatoiine? Anakin says "did you come here to free the slaves?", and they're like "no, of course not." But wait a second, there's a taxation dispute about trade routes on Naboo or sth, or actually I don't really know what the hell is going on over there but let's get right on that one instead of freeing slaves. We're the guardians of peace and justice after all.
              There seem to be different laws on different worlds similar to the states of the USA. As such, the Jedi have to uphold the ruling law on Tatooine as well.

              The Jedi care about the trade routes because they were asked to by the Republic. They are the third party in the conflict having nothing to gain by either side winning the conflict, so both the TF and Republic agreed to have negotiations overseen by the Jedi. That's why they are "bringer of peace".

              Several thousand worlds secede from the Galactic Republic and form the Confederacy of Independent Systems... OK, so what? Why do they secede? What do they get by seceding, that they wouldnt get otherwise? What does this mean for the worlds that remain in the Republic, why do they care? Is this about taxes again? Just let them secede then. Why start shooting them in the face over it? They're not hurting you are they? I'm not hearing a reason for why people should suddenly start shooting each other.
              You mean, like Northern Ireland would leave the UK, or the Basque in Spain, or the whole of ex-Yugoslavia, or South Ossetia and Abkhazia?

              There are many examples in history, and while the reasons are many, for the sake of a shorter argument I will put it into one sentence: the ones seceeding say "Because we think we would make everything better by ourselves", and the ones upholding the status quo want to keep the power.

              I would've liked to see more explanation and more back-room politics, but that would've made Star Wars a documentary rather than an action-adventure movie.

              And the Jedi walk right into that Clone army trap, not realizing they're obviously being played. That's what the Jedi are in the prequels, idiots and assholes.
              Honestly, I've never seen many smart Jedi's yet in that universe. I don't even know why there's this notion that Jedi are smart. They have the similar problems as humans have -- only more power.

              (Please note, that I have many problems with the movies as well, so please try not to reply to my writing as if I'm a "fanboy". At the time I had trouble understanding it as well and this is what I came up with)
              Babylon 5 Animations

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              • #8
                You mean, like Northern Ireland would leave the UK, or the Basque in Spain, or the whole of ex-Yugoslavia, or South Ossetia and Abkhazia?

                There are many examples in history, and while the reasons are many, for the sake of a shorter argument I will put it into one sentence: the ones seceeding say "Because we think we would make everything better by ourselves", and the ones upholding the status quo want to keep the power.
                Read some unbiased history of the US War Between the States, too. You will find an interesting set if circumstances. I am glad that it worked out the way that it did, but it's still good to know the particulars of it all.
                Recently, there was a reckoning. It occurred on November 4, 2014 across the United States. Voters, recognizing the failures of the current leadership and fearing their unchecked abuses of power, elected another party as the new majority. This is a first step toward preventing more damage and undoing some of the damage already done. Hopefully, this is as much as will be required.

                Comment


                • #9
                  Well, call me heretic, but I liked the new trilogy. I liked it more than the old trilogy, in fact, even though I am very fond of those movies. And though Anakin annoys me in the first episode, I think the rest of Episode I is pretty good: more subtle and more dark than people give it credit for. It's all sunshine on the surface, but everyone is being played, and in the end Palpatine wins and the cute little boy is set on the path of killing everyone else.

                  And Jar-Jar? The real fun is not in how he behaves, but in how people react to him, especially Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon. There's some wonderful moments of sarcasm there. (And C3PO was considerably more annoying in Episode IV, because he would never ever shut up.)
                  Jonas Kyratzes | Lands of Dream

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