The Good Humor Thread

[DysfunctionalReality]

No this is not a thread that debates ice cream topics.

It is a thread dedicated to the telling of funny jokes, just with a different name that isn't tired or cliched. It could be a better name but oh well.

Feel free to post all anything you think is humorous here.

To get this thread going, I submit the following:

The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!

[phazedout]

Sexist Joke

It's 2020 and science and technology have moved on. As has medicine and it is now quite common practice to reverse the effects of some debilitating diseases by injecting fresh new brain cells into peoples brains.

One day there is a bit of a mix up and they accidentally inject a woman's brain cell into a mans head (It turns out they are different after all).

When the brain cell gets inside she's a bit concerned. It's very dark and, much to her surprise, very empty.

She very timidly calls "is there anybody there"

But there is no answer

She's starting to get worried now; perhaps she's been injected into somebody who is already dead!!!!!!!

So she screams at the top of her voice "is there anybody there"

She then barely hears a distant voice calling back saying

"We're down here"
Phaze
on the "stole this from the OU Humour board" ID

[phazedout]

The babylaniacs, as linked to (and posted by) someone on doesmygeek.com

http://www.ooblick.com/text/babylaniacs.html

If you've ever seen animaniacs, you'll know the story
Phaze
on the "spreading the love" ID

[David Panzer]

During a New Year's Eve party being held in a penthouse in downtown, a man in a blue suit is knocking back dry martinis like he's drinking water. This guy is completely sloshed. He walks over to a window, opens it up, licks his finger, sticks it outside and shakes his head "no". He then closes the window, and goes back for another drink.

30 minutes later, he goes back to the same window and does the same thing. This time he shakes his head "yes" and goes out on the balcony. This downtown penthouse is the 110th floor of this high-rise. The man in the blue suit then steps up onto the edge of the balcony, 110 stories above the street. He then steps off the balcony into the air, takes a few steps, turns around in midair and walks back to the party to get another drink.

However, before he can get inside, his actions gained the interest of the party-goers. They want more. A chant of "Do it again" spreads like wildfire. The man in the blue suit says "Ok" and then steps onto the ledge again. He then walks, in mid-air, to the building on the opposite side of the street, turns around and walks back to the cheers of the party-goers, well not all party-goers.

In every crowd, you always have one person who is the smug skeptic that gives skeptics everywhere a bad name. A real arrogant prick who explains everything even when he doesn't know how it happened. However, this guy really wants to know how this guy was able to walk 110 stories above the street to the building across the street while gravity decided to look the other way.

"Excuse me, sir" the skeptic says, "How the hell were you able to do that?!" "Well", said the man in the blue suit, "You see, I'm a theoretical physicist. And through countless years of research, I have concluded that when the wind strikes the side of a building at a certain velocity, it will then shoot upwards and support the weight of a person, therefore allowing them to walk in mid-air." He then adds "Would you like to try it?"

The skeptic says "Sure". The man in the blue suit then whips out a calculator. "How much do you weigh?" The skeptic answers "165". After a series of calculations, the man in the blue suit then says "Ok. If you want to successfully accomplish this task, you have to go RIGHT NOW."

The skeptic then walks over to the edge of the balcony, the same balcony that the man in the blue suit used to walk across to the other building, the same balcony that offers a breath-taking view of the downtown area, the balcony that is 110 stories above the street in case you've forgotten.

For some reason, which I refuse to go into, one of the party-goers brought their 9 year old child with them. She then tugs on the skeptic's coat, getting his attention "Don't do it mister. You'll be sorry", she says. "Shut up kid", the skeptic says, "I know what I'm doing." He takes a deep breath to calm his nerves. He lifts his right foot off the balcony, and places it on the air. He then plummets 110 stories to his death.

Eeveryone at this New Year's Party are shocked and horrified, with 2 exceptions: The man in the blue suit, and the 9 year old girl. The man in the blue suit is drunk, but he has a slight grin on his face. The 9 year old girl is staring at the man in the blue suit, and tugging on his coat to get his attention. The man in the blue suit then looks down at the 9 year old girl. "You're a mean son of a bitch when you're drunk, Superman" she says.

[WorkerCaste]

Three engineers are sitting around having a few drinks when the conversation turns to God. They start discussing GodÆs profession.

The mechanical engineer says, ôWell, you know, God must be a mechanical engineer. Just look at the human body. Look at the way the bones and muscles work in harmony to create a tremendous range of motion.ö

The electrical engineer speaks up next and says, ôNo, you got it all wrong. Look at the brain and the nervous system. Complexity beyond our understanding. God must have been an electrical engineer.ö

Finally, the civil engineer makes his case. ôGod was definitely a civil engineer. Who else would run a waste pipeline through a great recreational area?ö

[DysfunctionalReality]

The following are parodies of the 1st 2nd and 3rd filmed installments in the Star Wars Universe. Chances are, if you disliked the Star Wars prequal trilogy, you will find them to be incredibly funny. If you liked the Star Wars prequal trilogy, you will either hate these scripts tremendously, ignore them completely or appreciate at least some of the humor and laugh hysterically regardless.

Or otherwise just find them to be totally unfunny and a complete waste of your time.

Without further ado I give you: Star Wars Episodes 1-3, The Abridged Scripts!!!

STAR WARS: EPISODE I - THE PHANTOM MENACE: THE ABRIDGED

STAR WARS: EPISODE II - ATTACK OF THE CLONES: THE ABRIDGED

STAR WARS: EPISODE III - REVENGE OF THE SITH: THE ABRIDGED

[Spoo Junky]

I was going through some old files and found a list of things "For those who love the philosophy of hypocrisy and ambiguity" They've probably all been heard before, but I had a laugh.


- Atheism is a nonprophet organization

- The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

- I went into a bookstore and asked the salesperson for the "self help" section. He said if he told me it would defeat the purpose.

- If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

- If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

- Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

- If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

- If the police arrest a mime, do they have to tell him he has the right to remain silent?

- What was the best thing before sliced bread?

- Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

- Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

- If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown also?

- Why are hemerrhoids called "hemerrhoids" instead of "assteroids"?

[manwithnoname]

Spoo Junky, that was actually funny stuff. Thanks.

Here's something that made me laugh in the newspaper today:

The Associated Press: "Ste. Michelle Wine Estates will buy Erath Winery of Dundee effective July 1. The purchase includes the Erath brand name, the Erath Winery inventory and the vineyard's long-term contracts for all Oregon grapes grown by owner Dick Erath."

Okay, say "Dick Erath" out loud a couple of times. In the History of Funny Names, this ranks pretty high.

[David Panzer]

Found on one of the message boards I'm a member of...

Moderator: We're here today to discuss the hot new topic, evolution versus Intelligent Des...

(Scientist pulls out baseball bat)

Moderator: Hey, what are you doing?

(Scientist breaks Intelligent Design advocate's kneecap.)

Intelligent Design advocate: YEAAARRRRGGGHHHH! YOU BROKE MY KNEECAP!

Scientist: Perhaps it only appears that I broke your kneecap. Certainly, all the evidence points to the hypothesis I broke your kneecap. For example, your kneecap is broken; it appears to be a fresh wound, and I am holding a baseball bat, which is spattered with your blood. However, a mere preponderance of evidence doesn't mean anything. Perhaps your kneecap was designed that way. Certainly, there are some features of the current situation that are inexplicable according to the "naturalistic" explanation you have just advanced, such as the exact contours of the excruciating pain that you are experiencing right now.

Intelligent Design advocate: AAAAH! THE PAIN!

Scientist: Frankly, I personally find it completely implausible that the random actions of a scientist such as myself, could cause pain of this particular kind. I have no precise explanation for why I find this hypothesis implausible --- it just is. Your knee must have been designed that way!

Intelligent Design advocate: YOU BASTARD! YOU KNOW YOU DID IT!

Scientist: I surely do not. How can we know anything for certain? Frankly, I think we should expose people to all points of view. Furthermore, you should really re-examine whether your hypothesis is scientific at all: the breaking of your kneecap happened in the past, so we can't rewind and run it over again, like a laboratory experiment. Even if we could, it wouldn't prove that I broke your kneecap the previous time. Plus, let's not even get into the fact that the entire universe might have just popped into existence right before I said this sentence, with all the evidence of my alleged kneecap-breaking already pre-formed.

Intelligent Design advocate: That's a load of bullshit sophistry! Get me a doctor and a lawyer, not necessarily in that order, and we'll see how that plays in court!

Scientist (turning to audience): And so we see, ladies and gentlemen, when push comes to shove, advocates of Intelligent Design do not actually believe any of the arguments that they profess to believe. When it comes to matters that hit home, they prefer evidence, the scientific method, testable hypotheses, and naturalistic explanations. In fact, they strongly priviledge naturalistic explanations over supernatural hocus-pocus or metaphysical wankery. it is only within the reality-distortion field of their ideological crusade that they give credence to the flimsy, ridiculous arguments which we so commonly see on display. I must confess, it kind of felt good, for once, to be the one spouting free-form bullshit; it's so terribly easy and relaxing, compared to marshaling rigorous arguments backed up by empirical evidence. But I fear that if I were to continue, then it would be habit-forming, and bad for my soul. Therefore, I bid you adieu.

[phazedout]

Excellent, I shall promptly steal this.
Phaze
on the "with all due credit given of course..."

[Stunning_in_Purple]

That made me feel all warm and fuzzy. Really fuzzy...perhaps I should shave?

[DysfunctionalReality]

Hey all

Next up, an excert from bash.org, an online database featuring some of the most riveting and funny internet chat transcripts ever seen. Does this mean that there are frequent allusions to excess weight, other peoples' mothers, geekiness, cruel and unusual acts of violence, profanity, racism, discrimination against sexual orientation, sexism, lower portions of the female (and male) anatomy and especially and most importantly this idea of sex, lack of thereof, paid-for or otherwise? You bet!

Make no mistake, the things you are about to see will be DEGRADING. If not any of this stuff runs a risk of offending you (and it WILL offend you at some point), then go ahead and try the link. If some of this stuff does offend you, don't be afraid. You can still try the link, and I bet you a wooden nickel the payoff in laughter will be well worth any sense of profane disgust or intense impulse or desire to vomit you may derive from this experience.

Without further ado I give you - a few random links to BASH.ORG!!!!!

Bash Top 10
Random Bash
Latest Bash

[Der Mike]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MVbv6r_tKnE&search=Shatner%20Rocket%20Man

William Shatner singing "Rocket Man"

You don't get funnier.

As a bonus:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XC73PHdQX04&search=Nimoy%2C%20Bilbo%20Baggins

Leonard Nimoy's "Ballad of Bilbo Baggins"
-=Mike

[SLerman]

This one is actually sort of B5 related, but not entirely. Anyway, I thought it was hilarious when I saw it. I'm not sure who the bigger geek is: the person who took the time to write this, or those of us that recognized the reference right from "our last, best hope".

http://yro.slashdot.org/comments.pl?sid=187674&cid=15481660

The ESRB ratings system was our last, best hope for freedom of speech. It failed. But in the year of the Terra war it became something greater: our last, best hope... for anything worth playing. The year is 2006. The place: GDC '06.

(It was the year of Jack Thompson. It was the year of elections. The year we brought back the booth babes that were ours. It was the year of sequels. The year of great justice. The year of suckage. And the year of pwnage. It was a new age. It was the end of Madden sequels. It was the year everything changed. The year is 2007: the place, E3 '07.)

[Stunning_in_Purple]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MVbv6...20Rocket%20Man

William Shatner singing "Rocket Man"

You don't get funnier.

As a bonus:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XC73PHdQX04&search=Nimoy%2C%20Bilbo%20Baggins

Leonard Nimoy's "Ballad of Bilbo Baggins"
-=Mike

See, I've heard both of those. I heard those when I was growing up, and it scarred me for life. Nimoy should never sing, ever.